Last week I started a "mini blogging series" called Leaning on His Promises & Healing after Miscarriage.
If you missed the first post, be sure to read it first here.
My hope in sharing this experience was to encourage or comfort even ONE. And I cannot tell you how overwhelming the response was last week from part one. I want to thank all of my readers for the sweet messages, comments & prayers.
Your encouragement & support means more than you know.
And I'm so grateful that God is turning this hurt into something beautiful.. an opportunity to love on other women who are waiting or hurting.
Beauty from Ashes.
To each gal who reached out to share their own personal struggles & hurts with me - you've been on my heart & in my prayers!
So here is part two of this story.. Loss, Grief & His Faithfulness.
And this one is going to be long, friends.
Because I'm going to share it all.
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Gosh, I felt like I was rocking pregnancy so far.
Working out daily, eating well & taking care of my mind.
My symptoms were pretty typical.
Extreme fatigue. Raging hormones. SUPER tender breasts.
But they seemed very manageable compared to some of my other expectant friends (including my sweet older sister who was ALMOST due with her first baby after 9+ months of AWFUL sickness).
I was just happy all the time.
Happy to be growing a little baby finally.
We read our weekly updates, started taking photos with fruit that matched the size of our growing peanut, I ordered my first pregnancy book (Supernatural Childbirth) & soaked up every moment of this precious little secret.
Here was our 8 week photo from August 6th holding a blueberry on our way out for date night.
We were BEYOND excited for our first doctor appointment on August 16th, which was my sister's due date!!
In the middle of week 8, I was getting ready for my weekly discipleship group. This is a SMALL group, made up of 4 women total, where we meet weekly to discuss our bible reading, challenge each other spiritually, work on scripture memorization & pray together.
At the time we were TTC, we had been reading through the book of Numbers (using the app "First 5" as a devotional guide). Oh my GOSH how that book spoke to me in our season of WAITING. I truly believe that I was in a season in the wilderness while I waited on the Lord & started really being obedient. Not matter what "season" you're in of family, I totally recommend this study! It was incredibly convicting & powerful!
Before church that evening, I started spotting.
I texted my good friend Hollen, who I referred to previously as my "womb mate" since we were only 4 weeks apart, & told her what was happening. I thought it might be nice to share this burden with a friend before we both walked into our bible study that night. I had of course told Nate, but he is forever the optimist & didn't think twice about it.
That night, one of the gals in our group asked specifically during prayer time if we were still trying to conceive. With a heavy heart full of the unknown still to come, I said it was definitely an ongoing prayer request.
I got up, went to the bathroom & wiped away tears while I prayed in the stall.
When I woke up Thursday morning, I was more than spotting.
And I had started cramping some.
I called the OBGYN & spoke to a nurse in triage to let her know what was happening. She said to monitor things for the rest of the day, mentioning that this could be bleeding from intimacy, etc. She also encouraged me to call back later if things got any worse, so they could see me before the weekend.
I spent the morning in bed. Crying. Praying. Reading. Praying. Crying.
If you follow me on FB, you might remember some of these posts about not feeling well.
It's like my spirit knew something was wrong & had begun grieving.
When I spoke to Nate in the middle of the day, he was so positive still.
So I reached out to Hollen & shared my greatest fear.. losing this baby.
She said she would be praying for me. And I knew she meant it.
As the day went on, I began to bleed more and more. I called the OBGYN again and they scheduled an appointment for us first thing the next morning.
I remember being in the bathroom on the floor & literally crying out to God telling Him how sad I was, but declaring His power & telling Him I trusted Him.
That night in bed, Hollen walked through my bedroom door.
I began sobbing instantly.
We cried & prayed together.
What a friend we have in Jesus to send people into our lives like that, right?!? He knows EXACTLY what we need!
Thank you again, Lord!!
The next morning we went to the doctor & immediately were taken into an ultrasound room after I gave my urine sample.
I remember as I walked back looking at all the pregnant mommas & thinking there was still hope. And that I WOULD be here for a happy appointment one day.. whether that was today or down the road.
The technician pulled up an image of our little peanut. My heart was beating out of my chest & I was shaking. But, I found out that my heart was the only heart beating in my body. She told me that giving this news was the hardest part of her job & gave us tissues.
Alone in the room, we cried.
I wanted so badly to leave, but we still had to see the Doctor.
I held it together the best I could for our talk with Dr. W & then to give my medical history afterwards to the nurse. He gave us our "options" moving forward & some advice for our next steps with trying again.
We decided to avoid procedures or medications & complete this miscarriage naturally from home.
I sobbed most of the way home, in my closet while I texted a couple of my friends & even during my workout. Yes, I NEEDED to feel something else besides that pain.. & exercise truly is just as much for my mind as it is my body.
Nate decided we should tell my parents since they are close by & called my dad. Within an hour, they popped over with donuts & flowers, but really just to sit with us for a moment. I was so saddened to tell them in the same day that they were grandparents for a season, but weren't any longer. I asked that they would keep this information private from our family because I didn't want to damper this season of waiting for my niece to be born. Gosh, I didn't even want to tell them, since they were waiting for such a special day.. to be a Mimi & Papa.
But I'm glad now that we did.
Saturday & Sunday were the hardest days of my life.
I had no clue how brutal it would be physically.
I also had no clue how hard it would be emotionally.
I wouldn't have made it through without Nate. He was my ROCK & took such wonderful care of me.
Holding me in between what seemed to be contractions & the most intense cramps of my life. Keeping me fed. Praying for me. Holding me each time I cried.
Sweet heart, thank you for how you loved & served me through that time.
Sunday night rolled around & we received some other hard, heart-breaking news. My grandfather had suddenly passed away.
Gosh, I couldn't believe it.
"God, how could You allow this right now?"
As broken as my heart was, I thought of my father.
And I thought of my nearly due sister who would be ready to introduce my grandfather soon to his first great-grandbaby.
My heart ached for them..
My heart ached for them..
The very few friends we had shared these couple of days with loved on us, even from across the country. Sending flowers & lifting us up in prayer.
I honestly wasn't sure the next week how to start moving forward.
I knew I had to continue to take care of myself physically.
But I knew I had to lean into the Lord spiritually & begin healing mentally/emotionally.
As unstable as life seemed in those moments. I still felt like God's presence was SO unwavering. I was reminded of the poem "footprints." About the man who walked the beach with a second set of footprints beside him.
I was reminded that God was walking every step with us.
He was the whole time. And He wasn't going anywhere.
I KNEW that if I could look down at the "road" I had been walking the past few days, that there would be two sets of footprints.
.. peace.
Somehow. I felt peace.
The playlist I had begun creating during pregnancy took on a WHOLE new meaning.
(I'll post it below.)
I remember sitting in my office on the floor playing each song on repeat.
Weeping while I sang the words directly to the Lord.
Music is SO powerful.
It gave me the words to speak to the Father when I felt like I had none.
It reminded me of His character & faithfulness.
It strengthened my spirit.
I added to my journal that I had begun during TTC/pregnancy.
(part of which I shared with you last week - the scripture verses)
He is a good FATHER.
He is our PROVIDER.
He is a HEALER.
He is our COMFORT.
He is our REFUGE.
He is our PROTECTOR.
He is a FRIEND.
He is our HELP.
He is our LIGHT.
Here is our PEACE.
He is our HOPE.
He is our SALVATION.
I read it over. And over. And over.
And I spoke to Him as if He were physically in the room with me.
"Your promises are true. You have proven Yourself. I can trust you. I am called to trust You."
August was the most brutal month of our marriage (going on 7 years).
We also found out about 10 days after our loss that Nate had a type of skin cancer that ended up being light-treated & then surgically removed. Praise Jesus, it was found during a visit to look at another spot on his body, that it wasn't melanoma & he is 100% OKAY now!!
Babe, you're such a trooper & had the best attitude the whole time!
August was also a BEAUTIFUL month though that we can now celebrate.
My sweet niece, Finley, was born.
God used her to literally breathe LIFE into our family again.
What a gift you are, sweet girl!!
As much as we felt like the "punches" just kept coming at times, neither of us ever felt closer to the Lord than we did then.
It was like He pulled us, His children & heirs, into His lap & covered us in His love. I don't think words will ever fully explain our experience. And they certainly cannot fully explain God's greatness. What kind of God would He be if mere words could describe Him?
But I praise Him for who He is & how He worked in our lives through such a hard time.
I thank Him for the opportunity to love others now through our pain.
To empathize with those who have endure greater struggles.
To pray for those in a season of wait or unknown.
Only one thing in this life is certain.
God, You are faithful.
We don't deserve You & the hope You give through salvation.
And yet, You offer Yourself, forgiveness & Your greatest promises to us.
Freely.
Only requiring our surrender & a heart of repentance.
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Today, I stop here.
And I think there will only be one last part to this series..
About trying again & our current pregnancy.
Thank you again for reading.
Please know you're welcome to share this.
This is no longer just our story to share.
It's a testimony of the Lord.
