Leaning on His Promises & Healing after Miscarriage: Part One, Our First Pregnancy Story

I promised a while back that I'd share more about our journey to a family.

I promise I hadn't forgotten.

It just takes so much to sit down, think back, relive & put into words those moments & memories.

So I'm breaking this up into parts of a little "series" called Leaning on His Promises & Healing after Miscarriage.

Today is part one.

Our first pregnancy story.

Here goes.

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My husband, Nate, & I prepared to start trying for a family in December 2015.

My young, naive self was convinced that because we were both incredibly healthy that the process of conception would be quick.

We embarked "officially" on that journey with PURPOSE in January 2016.

The whole process of TTC (trying to conceive) is probably a whole other post in itself.. can I get an amen from my sisters out there trying??

The occasionally, and eventually often, forced intimacy when you're EXHAUSTED. The logging everything into an app.

The anticipation each month.

The heart break & tears when you use the bathroom & wipe away what could have been.

Gosh.

It's nothing like the movies.

It's not like the girls' "oops" experiences on 16 and Pregnant.

Don't get me wrong.

It's exciting to try.

BUT it's also grueling, emotional & tedious.

A few months into our TTC journey, I decided to try an ovulation kit. I had realized after looking at my calendar more closely that I didn't have a traditional 28 day cycle & that the prediction dates to BD (baby dance) on my app may be wrong.

The package came from amazon & I started tracking.

Come to find out, we had been COMPLETELY missing our window.. for months.

I know everyone's personalities are different, but for me, having the tests to track made me feel more informed & empowered. I wasn't obsessive or overthinking the process like I had been before because I KNEW at that point we were literally doing all we could at the time to make a baby.

A couple of months passed.

Then it was summer.

We were spending our annual 4th of July celebration (The Granklin "FofJ") in Tennessee with our sweet friends, Jeff & Uli. And I wasn't expecting my period for another few days. In the middle of our outdoor adventures, I used the bathroom to find that I was spotting already. I went downstairs & told Nate "maybe next month." That morning was actually our 6th wedding anniversary.

Being with a couple who knows us so well & also being able to chat things out with a girlfriend face to face was a comforting, helpful distraction.

I let it go & the spotting continued a couple more days.

We returned home from TN & immediately started prepping for my in-laws to visit us for about a week. Things got busy while we were unpacking from one trip & getting ready all over again for company. Things got even busier when our house went from 2 people & 2 dogs to 7 people & 2 dogs.

Basically.. my mind was COMPLETELY preoccupied.

One evening, roughly a week after I had noticed spotting in TN, we were playing corn hole in our drive way with my sister/brother in law. I was drinking a glass of red sangria & ALL the sudden it hit me that I never started a full on flow with my period.

I excused myself immediately & shut myself in our bathroom.

I reached into our cabinets, pulled out my ovulation kit & grabbed one of the pregnancy tests that came with the bundle.

I ripped open the pack, walked to the toilet & peed on the stick.

I set it on the counter & immediately started pacing, fully expecting a negative.

In the middle of one of my strides, I walked by the test & saw two pink lines.

I did a double or quadruple take.

I immediately gasped & started to cry while thanking God.

I had always wondered what it would FEEL like to finally find out I was pregnant.

It felt surreal.

I was in shock.

I was overjoyed.

I couldn't believe it.

So I took another test.

Positive.

I grabbed the tests, placed them under my sink & walked back outside to continue with our evening.

I wanted SO badly to tell Nate right away. But I didn't want to jump the gun. And I definitely didn't want to share this kind of special news when it wasn't just the two of us. I did quick math & I was about 4 weeks along. My mind was rushing. But I resumed playing corn hole AND drinking my sangria. When I went to pour another glass & it finally dawned on me WHAT THE HECK I was doing.

"Duh, you can't DRINK ANYMORE, Linz!"

I kept my glass full & pretended to drink it the rest of the evening.

The next morning, I spoke with two of my close friends while sitting in my walk-in closet & waiting for another test to show a positive. #denial

I talked through my immediate fears of making it through the next 2 months.

I was encouraged to share my news with Nate regardless of what our outcome might be when I felt the time was right.

And was given some good new momma advice from my friend, Ali.

Things like don't be afraid to keep exercising. Stop drinking pre-workout. That stuff.

3 days later, my in-laws left.

GOSH, those were the longest days waiting to have our house back & get some time alone.

I cleaned the house. Got dinner ready. And WAITED (more waiting) for Nate to come home from work.

After we both worked out that evening, I waited for him to shower. I laid out all of my positive tests on our bed next to a shirt that read "Papa Bear." I had secretly bought these shirts MONTHS ago just anticipating this day.

Told you I took a TON of tests!

I sat in the kitchen on top of the counter  where I could see him when he finished up & just watched.

It was the longest shower EVER. ha

When he walked into our bedroom, he did a double take & then looked at me with the most confused look on his face before it CLICKED.

He then proceeded to surprise me with the most unexpected, romantic reaction ever. I was so SO surprised. Ha!

Sorry I'm not sorry for over-sharing. It's part of our story.

We celebrated together & spent the evening talking about when our due date might be, possible baby names, etc. By this time, I was about 5 weeks along. I remember explaining to Nate how crucial the next couple of months were because of the risk of miscarriage - he understood, but didn't dwell in the least bit. I'm usually the one in our relationship that overthinks every outcome of every scenario. I'm so grateful for how he tried to balance me out.

We decided to keep this news to ourselves, aside from sharing with a few friends, including a couple from our church who had also been TTC at the same time & had gotten pregnant 4 weeks earlier. Hollen, dear.. you're my womb-mate!

I DRUG my feet calling to OBGYN to schedule an appointment because I wanted to wait as long as possible so we could maybe hear the heartbeat at our first visit (which I had read is usually between 8-10 weeks).

A week or so later, I FINALLY called. And our first appointment was scheduled to be right at 9 our week mark.

The next few weeks or July & August were full of fun conversations dreaming about our little babe & the family we would raise. Talks about when we would tell family. All of the normal, exciting chats.

I snapped a few photos to document the start of this incredible journey.

And began praying through my fears using some scriptures & a sample prayer from friends.

Philippians 4:6,7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Colossians 1:16, 17

For by Him all things were created, things in heaven & on earth, visible & invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled & do not be afraid.

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope & a future.

Psalm 139:13

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

The prayer I used was from a blog I can NOT remember the name of - these are not my original words...

Although every time they left my lips, they were the CRY of my heart.

"Lord,

You are the author and giver of life. Your Word says that all things have been created by and for you.

You are before all things, and in you all things hold together.

Today I ask that the Spirit of life be on me and in me, providing everything this baby and my body needs to bring forth life to the glory of God.

I stand on the goodness and faithfulness of You, Lord, that will bless us with a healthy and whole baby.

May my life and theirs bring glory and honor to You.

In Jesus' name

Amen"

I get chills just typing out those powerful truths & statements that SUSTAINED me in the months to come.

Leading up to my very first 9 week doctor appointment, I continued with my routine.

For the most part, I felt AMAZING. But despite the symptoms I did experience, I felt pure joy.

This was a post-Insanity MAX30 photo one night in my first trimester (around week 7). These workouts helped not only my body, but my MIND!

PS: I continued these extreme workouts because they were a regular part of my routine BEFORE getting pregnant! Do not start something extreme like this during pregnancy if you were not active before. I'm happy to help provide recommendations if you need any.

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Okay, friends.

I'm stopping there today.

Phew.. talk about a FLOOD of emotions.

Life is so PRECIOUS.

Part two will come again in a few days.

Thanks for reading.

And please know my heart in writing these posts.

My hope in sharing this experience is that I can comfort even ONE.

So if you're my one.

Know my heart is with yours.

And I've been praying for you.

(Click here for part TWO & THREE)