"So Are You Going to Have Another?"

"are you going to have another yet?"

Who else hears that all the time?

Whether directly from well meaning strangers and friends or that voice inside your head as you scroll past baby 2,3 & beyond baby announcements on Facebook and instagram.

Can a family unit really be complete with "just one?"

Can your heart or body not pause to relish the life of a single child before adding to the mix?

I KNOW I've asked this question before to others.

It's almost one that rolls off the tongue without thought.

And while there's nothing wrong with wondering & asking (if you feel connected to the individual because yes, I don't believe we should be asking these questions to strangers), I DO think how we respond to that mother is important.

We have no clue of their reason for the "wait."

And quite frankly, it's none of our business.

Whether chosen for various very valid reasons - such as dad is ALWAYS gone & mom would like to rear a family together or maybe they'd like to pay off debt or take time to work on their relationships or possibly mom had such horrid pregnancies that wreaked havoc on her body.

Or what if the "decision" was chosen FOR the parent because of something like secondary infertility, not being able to afford the means by which it took them to conceive previously or quite possibly, even, they are "just" content.

I will be very open with where I stand personally & I will also say in the same breath that God is in control and could change my (our) heart at any moment.. as He did back in 2015 when he took our hearts of stone towards children and gave us the desire for a family.

I too feel the self imposed pressure from watching other families unfold in number, reminiscing over my childhood with siblings & even listening to Raegan begin to ask questions about babies. I have to work through that.

I get the questions with follow up questions with encouragement & all the reasons we should "do it" at social events and family gatherings.

I'm there with you.

And while sometimes I feel the "guilt" for my only child who honestly isn't missing out on any love, interaction or community. Or the "guilt" knowing that others are earnestly pleading with God to start a family while I have reservations over growing ours, even though I've BEEN there in that season of waiting & grieving before myself.. aching for a womb that is full. I pray we never experience that again. And I truly am so sensitive to couples who are enduring this season.

I am, however, reminded that I.. Lindsey Ghoens.. in my specific circumstances.. am living out my purpose.

As a child of God & wife.

Then as a mother.

Of one.

And I am walking in obedience as I rest in contentment.

Only He knows what the future holds.

I'm okay with that <3 span="">

xo, Lindsey

Sorry for Being a Bad Friend: A Letter from a Mom in the Trenches

Hey Girl,

I'm so sorry we haven't spoken in forever - it's almost embarrassing.

I've gotten your texts & have seen your missed phone calls.

I always MEAN to respond..

But I forget.

Sometimes I plan to call you back..

But I wonder if my "window" of time long enough to chat?

 Or think, "will she hear the babe in the background & get flustered?"

"will I hear the babe & be able to focus?"

"do I even have anything NEW to say or share?"

I have this desire to explain..

To share my heart.

It's hard to put into words..

But I'll try.

So much has changed.

Myself included.

I mean, I'm still very much so me.

But also someone entirely different at the same time.

I know we talked years ago about what life would be like one day when we started families. We laughed & made plans - we said nothing would change.

And while my love for you definitely hasn't,

I know I'm a crummy friend right now.

I forget to send birthday cards.

I read texts & forget to reply.. or do so weeks later.

I plan to call you before bed, but then crash before 10 next to my breast pump.

I haven't made a play date.. in ages.

& I literally can't remember our last "girls night" to watch the Bachelor.

It's just reality right now.

I love it though.

I really, truly do.

It sounds rougher than it is.

It's the guilt that's hardest, I think.

Or maybe the pressure to be what I'm not or can't be right now.

The "will she understand?"

Or "gosh, I hope she's not upset or disappointed with me.."

I'm probably projecting that on myself though.

Or maybe there's a little truth there?

But goodness - guilt is the last things us mamas need.

So I need to free myself of it.

And I hope you understand, friend.

Because you see, our babies are only teeny once.

My day might revolve around the schedule, or lack there of, of my child now.

But one day, this little will be big.

And while I know I'll enjoy the freedom that comes with independence in time, I'll crave the "mama mama" with hands around my ankles while trying to get ready for the day.. the middle of the night feedings leading to slow, sleepy mornings.. the mental leaps that lead to long baby wearing snuggles.. the cancelled plans that lead to special memories at home.

I. Will. Miss. Them.

I do just thinking about it.

These sweet but very demanding days will be but a memory in time - ones that I'll relive with the fondest feelings & a full heart.

So the truth is, I'm not wishing the time away.

I'm owning & embracing being a bad friend.

But it's just for a season.

They'll grow up.

Or I'll get "better" at this mama thing.

Wait for me, okay?

We'll sip coffee or have a glass of wine again.

We'll make day dates to shop or just sit and TALK.

We'll plan weekend trips with our fellas.

..one day.

It'll come!

For now..

I'm cherishing these stir crazy, hot mess, hermit days at home.

Finding joy in the crazy, circus, never ending days on the go.

I'm in the trenches, figuring out parenthood.

I'm on a journey of raising a little human.

I'm instilling love, respect, kindness & morals.

It's a big job.

And it requires nearly my entire being.

I'm honored to give it right now.

Despite the occasional feelings I have of living a slightly mundane life,

I realize how profound my role is & I would literally trade it for nothing.

Despite feeling like I might be missing out on ME time - I know I'm RIGHT where I need to be & where I'll want to remember.

But sweet friend..

Please know that I love you.

I care for you & hope you're doing well.

I'd love to catch up one day.

And hear all about the excitement & happenings of YOU!

Until that time, give this mama some grace.

Be patient with me.

Because I'm so anxious & tired it's insane.

But I'm also in love with this crazy chapter of life.

We'll connect again soon.

I know we will.

Motherhood is straight Gangster

When I took this photo & wrote this post, I was four weeks into postpartum life with a newborn.. I hope it speaks to someone who is in this season! You're not alone, sweet momma!!

"Attempt #5 this week at my to-do list 🖐🏻

Please continue to be patient and give me grace y'all as I learn to balance life with my business + social media 💕

Okay...now I'm going to be super honest for a minute.

You know I can't help but keep it real and I feel like I owe it to all my friends who are soon to be moms or those who have recently had babes not to hold back in parenting.

I'm pretty new in this mom world, so I'm NOT going to try to act like I have it all figured out or that I understand all of the pains of motherhood.

While this is the most >>incredible<< love that I could have ever ever imagined, this is by far the hardest season of my life.

So many pieces of being a mother are natural -- because I really believe God created us to do this. 

That's the whole reason I was so passionate about a healthy pregnancy, natural delivery & breastfeeding. I KNOW God made me for this.

But sooooo much of it is also learned through failure, frustration, endless googling & countless tears.

Before Raegan Grace was born..

I anticipated a challenge.

I anticipated some tears.

I anticipated having to eventually ask for help.

And I anticipated life adjusting for this sweet baby.

I honestly wasn't prepared though for exactly how hard, draining and lonely even this can be.

People unfortunately don't share all of the dark and dirty corners of raising a newborn.

Part of that is probably because everyone's story and journey is different, but I wonder if another part of it comes from a place of feeling *guilty* to admit their feelings. Especially when you have a "difficult" baby.

There have been so many moments I've had to put this sweet girl down and walk away with my face in my hands feeling so frustrated.. having to let her scream in her crib.

These moments are followed about 30 seconds to 5 minutes later with me walking back to her with open arms & in tears, feeling absolutely terrible for how I could get upset with this precious bundle.

Then it's back to endless kisses, stares & snuggles.

What a WHIRLWIND!

How could I be SO frustrated & so in love and HAPPY at all once!?

Am I a bad mom?

Is something wrong with me??

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say no.

I've told many friends this before, but taking your own advice is hard sometimes right!?

So are things going to change.

Eh, I'm guessing no.

I see this journey evolving into a different version of THESE feelings as RG grows & goes through different stages of life - and therefore, different hardships//learning curves.

That could be hopeless if we let it be. But heres what I'm holding onto..

I think.. no, I KNOW I'll learn how to lean on the Lord more. How to continually find joy. Learning I let things go. When to give myself grace. How to exercise patience. Keeping myself a priority for my family. And knowing when I need to fill back up each day.

Motherhood is straight gangster.

But I'd choose it over & over again.

Sweet girl.

How about we give each other grace.

And keep learning together.

You are more precious to me than gold.

I love you to the moon & back, RaeRae!!!"

#BabyRaeGhoens #GracefullyBalanced