A few weeks ago, I started a "mini blogging series" called
Leaning on His Promises & Healing after Miscarriage.
If you missed the first post, be sure to read it here.
If you missed the second post, be sure to read it here.
My hope in sharing this entire experience was to encourage or comfort even ONE.
And I cannot tell you how overwhelming the response was from both times I've opened up to share. I want to thank all of my readers for the sweet messages, comments & overflow of prayers.
It's been confirmation after confirmation that sharing this testimony of God's loving faithfulness was an act of obedience!
I've been a bit delayed writing this next piece about moving forward.
Even though we're doing WONDERFUL, it's been a tough couple of weeks as we approach the due date of our first baby, which would have been March 18th.
Sweet little babe, although I'd love told be holding you soon in my arms, we're so grateful you're home with Jesus.
Mommy & daddy cannot wait to meet you one day!!
So here is part three, the final part for now, of this story..
Trying Again, Celebrating Life & Trusting His Plan.
Again, this may be slightly "TMI" because of the nature of our story. So, if you're my in-laws or even some of my family, you've been warned.
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From the day we found out we lost our first baby, we knew trying again was something we wanted to do as soon as my body was "ready."
But what does ready even mean!?
Mentally.. Emotionally.. Physically..
I know you ladies who have been through this completely know where I'm coming from here!
Healing after loss is hard for mom & dad.
But for us as women who are carrying LIFE within us, we bond so much sooner. We envision so vividly what life would be like with this child.
I'm not at all taking away from the grief or time needed for dads to heal. However, I completely understand if you're a grieving mama who feels like you're still healing "alone." Because I was there at one point.
Remember..
It takes time.
Everyone is different.
Don't compare your feelings.
Continue giving it all to Jesus.
And take care of yourself.
A week after our first appointment confirming our loss, I returned to the doctor & saw another OB. He needed to confirm via ultrasound that I had passed everything naturally & wouldn't need assistance to complete the process. They checked my hormone levels via urine test & told me that my body was doing exactly what it "should" be. He, like the first OB we saw, explained our steps moving forward & trying again. Although he had a slightly different perspective on the timeline he would suggest.
If you're like me, you want to know it all & be fully informed. Here's what they both told us..
The first OB told us to wait until I had completed ONE full cycle. The second OB told us to wait at least a couple. Both were in agreement that we should be cautious during intercouse the first couple of weeks, as my body could be extremely fertile without me knowing. They also both said that allowing a cycle or two before trying again would help to ensure that my body had fully recovered & been able to create an optimal environment for new life to grow in. Apparently, trying TOO soon actually can increase your risk of miscarriage even more. Obviously, we did NOT want that.
I tried so hard to see this as a next step to another life to avoid falling further into feelings of sadness or even hopelessness. But gosh, I was ready to get out of that office.. so I tucked away that information & decided I'd revisit it later.
The next few weeks consisted of just doing my best to take care of myself, trying to figure out a rhythm with work & spending time with Jesus. As much as I didn't feel like it some days, I got back on top of my nutrition & exercise RIGHT away because I knew it would only help me snap back - from the inside out. This is some of the best advice I can pass on now! Do it anyways, gal. I promise, it's helping!
The doctors had told me that everyone is SO different I think to prepare me incase things didn't go how I might expect them to. But they did encourage me by saying that I would probably "bounce" back quickly because I'm young & healthy.
They told me to expect a period in the next 3-4 week. I was skeptical, but really hopeful. I was completely shocked to find that my "cycle" post miscarriage didn't skip a beat. I had a normal period almost three weeks later exactly, within the first week of September.
Having a period again was sad.
But I didn't dwell on that.
I made the CHOICE to see it as the next step.
Which actually gave us something to be excited about.
Nate & I decided this was the one full cycle we needed before we were ready to start the baby making fest again.
I did some research, talked to a few gals in some private groups I had joined & decided we would follow the SMEP this time (for those of you unfamiliar, this is the "sperm meets egg plan").
Essentially, this plan combines ovulation awareness with intercourse timing. It "ensures" that the sperm & egg have every opportunity to meet during every cycle.
Please note that I am NOT a medical or fertility professional. I also cannot make any guarantees for other couples who should try this method. This is simply what we chose to do & our experience. You can read more about it HERE.
So I made some notes on my calendar.
Explained everything to Nate.
And we got back to "work."
We tried to keep things fun. But there was definitely a little pressure over both of us to, in a sense, get back something we lost. I'm grateful for a hubby who can laugh things off & keep things light-hearted. That's SO important, I believe!
Incase you're curious what I used, these are the ovulation & pregnancy tests I snagged from amazon to use both times we conceived.
Although part of me questioned if we got it right or missed a piece of our window, the other part really wondered if I was pregnant.. and was semi-confident to an extent.
I started speculating while I was on a trip to the beach with my work besties chatting business, hanging by the pool & sipping wine. But it was just speculation that I wasn't ready to dwell on.
Then, one night right after I returned home, Nate & I were sitting on the porch with a glass of cabernet. For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to finish the glass. I could NOT shake the feeling, but I also couldn't bring myself to pee on a stick. It was a fear of knowing for sure.. of either being disappointed or dealing with the unknowns of another positive.
I didn't share this with Nate. I wasn't ready to.
This was the LAST weekend of September & I knew I was supposed to hold out to test until the following Tuesday, which was OPK +
15 according to the SMEP plan. I waited as long as I could, then started testing on anyways on Sunday morning. I tested twice a day for almost a week - every test was positive.
You might remember this post on Facebook from October 4th.
I've clung to this BEAUTY from ASHES piece of scripture from day one & God put it before me again.
" He brings what was dead to LIFE.
He extends HOPE to that which was lost.
He FORGIVES those condemned.
He turns sorrow to JOY.
He creates beauty from ASHES.
He turns our mess into a MESSAGE.
He turns our pain into PURPOSE.
He allows our tests of life to be a TESTIMONY.
Rejoice, my friends
"
I decided to wait to share with Nate until his birthday, on October 5.
He started speculating the day before because he didn't see me drink my pre-workout for a couple days. Funny how we learn our spouse's routines, huh?
So to throw him off his track, I hid a birthday card under his pillow & let him wait all day for it. When he opened it up just before midnight, he saw that it was signed from me & the babe. We snuggled, praised the Lord & celebrated.
The last OB we saw in August at my "miscarriage completion appointment" had told me to call back as soon as we got our next positive test. He wanted to check my levels to see if I was going to need help with hormones (progesterone specifically). So I called right away & we scheduled two appointments that were 48 hours apart.
I went in both days for blood work & urine tests, then waited for the results. I was intensely PRAYING that my HCG levels would rise like they should during a healthy pregnancy & that my progesterone would be in a normal range.
Just before the weekend, & RIGHT in the middle of blasting praise music during my pilates, I got my results via email.
Everything looked great.
I'm pretty sure my neighbors probably heard me praising the Lord from inside my garage that afternoon!
We scheduled my 8 week appointment as our next step for an ultrasound & waited. Of course, continuing to keep our precious secret between the two of us.
The day of that appointment, November 1, my stomach was in KNOTS.
It was RIGHT around the time of gestation we had gone in before & gotten our heart-breaking news. Although this time, my symptoms were still strong & nothing alarming had happened.
I gave my urine sample & we went back into the ultrasound room.
As I laid on the table, heart POUNDING to the point I thought I was shaking the room, I just prayed silently & waited for something to pop up on the screen.
Within a few seconds, we saw our little bean.
And we heard the BEST news.
This baby had a heart beat.
Nate saw that precious little flicker before I did. I actually had to ask where the heart was!
(it was a funny "rachel moment" from friends when she had her first ultrasound for those of you who watch that show).
She snapped some photos & sat us in the hallway to wait for the OB to see us. Nate told me how he INSTANTLY felt connected when he saw the baby.
And I was still in a happy state of disbelief.
I was HOLDING photos of our healthy, living, THRIVING, growing baby.
A moment I had been waiting & praying for.
It's funny how those moments you wait for and anticipate totally catch you off guard & stop you in your tracks, huh?
After our appointment, we went for lunch & had sushi (yes, I was careful y'all with the raw fish! Let's stay on track here. Haha). We talked about our due date & when we might tell family. We both agreed that waiting until the end of our first trimester was the best option. Especially given what we went through the first time.
Well, we had great intentions.
But long story short, my parents accidentally found out that NEXT day.
Fortunately, I completely trust them to keep a secret, which they did very respectfully for the next few weeks.
Probably a week (maybe even less) after that 8 week ultrasound appointment is when my MAJOR symptoms kicked in that I had never experienced our first pregnancy. EXTREME food aversion + major nausea & vomiting were added to the list. O.M.G.
BUT, those symptoms really comforted me.
What women who have gone through miscarriage & loss don't explain enough is the panic & fear that can so easily spoil your joy in future pregnancies.
I had to get a GRIP on all of the lies the devil tried to feed me.
All of the negative emotions I was experiencing.
And CLING to what I knew was true.
DIVING into the word, reading those scriptures I had focused on before, praying that prayer of declaration I shared with y'all & truly putting this baby in the Lord's hands.
God was demanding my surrender in exchange for His perfect peace.. again.
I wrote down those scriptures in my journal & taped them to my bedside table on idea cards for those moments that fear creeped in through my dreams.
It helped.
So back to these symptoms.
The first morning I experienced PROJECTILE vomit for the first time, I walked back into our bedroom with a smile on my face. I told Nate that it was like being initiated into a club. And it was a sweet reminder that my hormone levels were high! I mean that completely.
Maintaining that attitude made it all easier to deal with.
Plus, I would have done it all over again even in those really rough moments to have a healthy, growing baby inside of me!
I cannot tell you how many crackers, cans of soup & plain baked potatoes I ate, y'all!! My healthy meal planning went OUT the window, but I did maintain my workouts. I just did my best!
I actually completed a MMA style, kick-boxing program in my first trimester! Probably not recommended.. but it was fun :)
We rounded out the first three months of #GrowingGhoens with our Thanksgiving trip to see Nate's family in North Carolina. We both agreed to stick to our original plan/timeline & keep the news to ourselves until after our 12 week appointment, which was a couple days after we were supposed to come home. So I did my best to puke in the bathroom with the shower on & hide my symptoms in a house full of family. That was a "fun" challenge that has given me some stories to share!
When we got home, we were READY to see the doctor & officially be DONE with the WEIGHT of the first trimester (well, most of it). Especially since our belated honeymoon & hopefully baby moon to Europe was only a week away.
We went to the office, saw the OB & got a quick peek in the room at our sweet little pumpkin who was waving hands + wiggling fingers. Heart still beating strong. Growth on track!!
Sweet relief..
Then, we did a series of labs for our genetic testing, chatting with the doc about our upcoming trip & went on our way.
We decided to share the news right before we left town with the rest of my family & Nate's.
These are actually the photos from the day I snuck my niece into an "I love my cousin" onesie & waited for everyone to notice what it said. Such a special memory I will always cherish!!
Then as y'all know, we announced our pregnancy publicly when we came home from our trip to Europe.
I wish I could say from there on out it's been all rainbows & roses.
But that's just not the case during pregnancy when you've miscarried before.
(I'll share more about that one day & some practical tips)
However, God's promises remain true & He's been so good to us!
This baby has been surrendered into His hands.
And we're celebrating her life + giving thanks for her being entrusted to us every single day.
I'm going to share this with her one day in a way & at a time we find appropriate, probably when we tell her about her sibling in heaven. Not to talk about the hardships leading up to her life, but to share how God gifted her to us & walked with our family every step of the way. How He knew her & her story before we ever did. How He loves her more than we ever could. How she is a precious gift. She's a chid of the King.
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Y'all..
I cannot believe I'm a mom.
I cannot believe I'm growing my daughter inside of me.
I'm overwhelmed that God has given us this opportunity as women.
And I'm not taking it for granted.
So while you're waiting on your answer or gift from the Lord, sweet friend, my encouragement to you is to remain faithful & obedient now.
Ask Him to reveal to you the reason for this season, rather than removing you from it.
Cling to stories in the bible like Hannah's with Samuel.
Or the wandering Israelites waiting for the promised land.
There are so many..
But, find hope, be challenged by & learn from them.
I know it's hard to hear, but God's timing is the best timing.
We will never understand fully His ways & His plans.
But they are GOOD & they are TRUE.
He is our creator who loves us more than anyone else.
Find purpose, peace & rest in Him, my friend!
I'm praying for you.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this series.
As always, please know you're welcome to share.
It's not just my story.
It's HIS.
