Sorry for Being a Bad Friend: A Letter from a Mom in the Trenches

Hey Girl,

I'm so sorry we haven't spoken in forever - it's almost embarrassing.

I've gotten your texts & have seen your missed phone calls.

I always MEAN to respond..

But I forget.

Sometimes I plan to call you back..

But I wonder if my "window" of time long enough to chat?

 Or think, "will she hear the babe in the background & get flustered?"

"will I hear the babe & be able to focus?"

"do I even have anything NEW to say or share?"

I have this desire to explain..

To share my heart.

It's hard to put into words..

But I'll try.

So much has changed.

Myself included.

I mean, I'm still very much so me.

But also someone entirely different at the same time.

I know we talked years ago about what life would be like one day when we started families. We laughed & made plans - we said nothing would change.

And while my love for you definitely hasn't,

I know I'm a crummy friend right now.

I forget to send birthday cards.

I read texts & forget to reply.. or do so weeks later.

I plan to call you before bed, but then crash before 10 next to my breast pump.

I haven't made a play date.. in ages.

& I literally can't remember our last "girls night" to watch the Bachelor.

It's just reality right now.

I love it though.

I really, truly do.

It sounds rougher than it is.

It's the guilt that's hardest, I think.

Or maybe the pressure to be what I'm not or can't be right now.

The "will she understand?"

Or "gosh, I hope she's not upset or disappointed with me.."

I'm probably projecting that on myself though.

Or maybe there's a little truth there?

But goodness - guilt is the last things us mamas need.

So I need to free myself of it.

And I hope you understand, friend.

Because you see, our babies are only teeny once.

My day might revolve around the schedule, or lack there of, of my child now.

But one day, this little will be big.

And while I know I'll enjoy the freedom that comes with independence in time, I'll crave the "mama mama" with hands around my ankles while trying to get ready for the day.. the middle of the night feedings leading to slow, sleepy mornings.. the mental leaps that lead to long baby wearing snuggles.. the cancelled plans that lead to special memories at home.

I. Will. Miss. Them.

I do just thinking about it.

These sweet but very demanding days will be but a memory in time - ones that I'll relive with the fondest feelings & a full heart.

So the truth is, I'm not wishing the time away.

I'm owning & embracing being a bad friend.

But it's just for a season.

They'll grow up.

Or I'll get "better" at this mama thing.

Wait for me, okay?

We'll sip coffee or have a glass of wine again.

We'll make day dates to shop or just sit and TALK.

We'll plan weekend trips with our fellas.

..one day.

It'll come!

For now..

I'm cherishing these stir crazy, hot mess, hermit days at home.

Finding joy in the crazy, circus, never ending days on the go.

I'm in the trenches, figuring out parenthood.

I'm on a journey of raising a little human.

I'm instilling love, respect, kindness & morals.

It's a big job.

And it requires nearly my entire being.

I'm honored to give it right now.

Despite the occasional feelings I have of living a slightly mundane life,

I realize how profound my role is & I would literally trade it for nothing.

Despite feeling like I might be missing out on ME time - I know I'm RIGHT where I need to be & where I'll want to remember.

But sweet friend..

Please know that I love you.

I care for you & hope you're doing well.

I'd love to catch up one day.

And hear all about the excitement & happenings of YOU!

Until that time, give this mama some grace.

Be patient with me.

Because I'm so anxious & tired it's insane.

But I'm also in love with this crazy chapter of life.

We'll connect again soon.

I know we will.